[justify]

Kit Llewellyn
Twenty-Nine
Female
District 2
<img src="http://i41.tinypic.com/16h2ibt.png">

well, disaster it strikes on a daily basis
and I’m looking for wisdom in all the wrong places
but still wanna laugh in disappointed faces
and you can’t help me
I’m blinded by these

Oh, my Kit.

My beautiful, beautiful Kit. How long has it been, love, since I left you? Ten years? Eleven? You’ve aged, my Kit. So have I. So has Matilda. Such is the way of life. You are no longer my eighteen year old, are you? No, you’re a woman now. Twenty-nine. My, my, how you’ve changed, my Kit. It seems as though the only remaining factor is your height. Five feet and seven inches. You know, that was the only thing that is different between you and your sister.

Your eyes and hair, why, they’re so similar, my Kit. Yours is a darker brown than Matilda’s I suppose, and your eyes. Yes. Yes, your eyes as far more different than I had originally realized. Simply because they are the same shade of blue means very little. You hide everything, my Kit, behind a mask, and your eyes are the key to hiding your emotion. It started at a young age. I remember being unable to read your emotions, and feeling scared. Such a little girl should not be so inhuman, my Kit, but that was who you were, and I did not question it.

You’ve lost a great deal of the muscle you built up as a career as well, my Kit. You’re much paler. You don’t go outside all that often, do you? No. No you don’t. Why, my Kit, have you given up so much of what you used to be? I do not understand. You loved to run, and you loved to be outside. Do you simply let Matilda live all of those things for you? Yes. Yes, I know you do, because you’ve forgotten what you used to be, and you’ve lost yourself. That pains me, my Kit. You were so sure of yourself, and now?

I don’t know you are.

heroes and thieves at my door
and I can’t seem to tell them apart anymore
just when I’ve figured it out
darling it’s you I’m without

Perhaps you can tell me then.

How have you changed to such a degree, my Kit? You’ve always been so strong in your beliefs; in your personality. Now? Although the front you put up is one of fearlessness, I know that on the inside, you are constantly terrified. You worry daily of how your life will pan out, and how you will manage to take care of your sister. Your personality is that of a perfectionist, my Kit, and you cannot stand failing in what you care about the most. I know that you think you have failed me, but that is not the case.

Matilda does fear you, yes, and for good reason. You push her into a life that she wants no part of, and are merciless when it comes to punishing her, but I know that you care very much about how Matilda views you. You want so badly to be her friend, my Kit, but because there is such a great age difference between you, and your characteristics, you are unable to do so. Instead, you resort to threatening her, and act as any imposing figure would.

Because you this, my Kit, you have slowly severed any and all ties with love.

In another life, you wished so badly to find someone to take care of you; someone to love you. But now? Now, you could care less. You are so independent, you want to do everything yourself, and hate to admit that you need help. Even if a man did come along who would be willing to accept you and Matilda into his life, I fear that you would not go with him simply because you are proud.

And that, I think is, your worst trait, my Kit.

well I’m stubborn and wrong
but at least I know it
I keep movin’ along
until I can get through this
but maybe this song is the best I can do it
so I’m waiting patiently on these

However, I also think that your sense of pride is my fault, my Kit.

When you were born, I held you in a very high regard. Although your father was not a man that I thought highly of, you were a product of me and my ability to survive. I know that as you grew up, I told you stories of your father and where he went off to, but never once the truth. When Matilda was born, you asked me hundreds upon hundreds of questions, and I don’t think I once answered you, even though I’m almost certain that you were mature enough to understand.

Now though, now there is no question in my mind that you deserve to know the full story. Perhaps, then, someday, you can explain it all to Matilda and she can better understand why I left. You see, my Kit, your father, he was a peacekeeper. Not just any peacekeeper. He was Godfrey Praeses, the man who you often saw at our house, and the man you knew as Matilda’s father. I know that I always told you that you were the daughter of another man, you were not. I was simply too ashamed to admit otherwise.

We met when I was detained for the theft of some mining tools, but I would prefer to keep this story strictly to the basics; the ones of importance. Eventually, one thing lead to another, and I found myself in Godfrey’s bed. It wasn’t necessarily a place that I resisted being in the very beginning. Oh no, my Kit, I had developed some very deep and lingering feelings of lust of this peacekeeper. It wasn’t until I had known him for a prolonged period of time did I finally discover the demons that frequently took him over.

You see my Kit, as many peacekeepers do, Godfrey Praeses had something of a short temper. When something did not go exactly how he wished for it to, he would become angry. Angry at the world around him, and whomever was present with him at the time. I was, it seemed, a great source of anger for him. I said something wrong, or I was not quick enough in my response, so my face often bore the brunt of his temper, and for several months before you were conceived, I cannot think of a time when I did not bare at least one bruise across my face.

It severed as a reminder though, my Kit. A reminder that I might not allow him to bring a fist to my form, and each time I looked in the mirror, I swore that I would free myself from his control. When I became pregnant with you, I were as though I would finally be given my chance.

For the entirety of the pregnancy, I had my mother answer the door when Godfrey came calling. She would tell him I was not home, and although I had my doubts that eventually he would catch on, he never once pushed my mother aside, or demanded to see me. I thought I was free. When you were finally born, and I held you in my arms, oh, you were such a beautiful baby, my Kit. You were so beautiful, and the most precious thing I had ever seen, and I thought, I so honestly thought that we would be allowed to live, just the two of us, and be free of Godfrey forever.

We almost were free, little girl, and this much, I’m sure you know. Godfrey saw you at your first Reaping, and knew that you were my daughter. I always told you that he was simply a family friend, but you know now that such wasn’t the case. Your career training began, and I paid for it with my body. Matilda, I suppose, also, was something I received in return for your training.

You must you know by now that I did not care for her in the way that I should have has a mother. When you turned eighteen and your career training passed, I knew not what to do. The way I had treated Matilda as she grew up was no way to leave things. In her eyes, surely, I was not someone that she loved. You, even though you did not necessarily wish to have the position thrust upon you, were someone I knew she could look up to, at least, and I knew that you would care for her. That was why I left, my Kit. I was never suited to be a mother. I supported my family in scandalous ways, and that was not what you and Matilda deserved. My decision was, ultimately, for the best, and even if you do not believe it to be so, one day, I pray you forgive me.

heroes and thieves at my door
I can’t seem to tell them apart anymore
just when I’ve figured it out
darling it’s you
darling it’s you, oh
darling it’s you
I’m without

[/justify]